I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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