started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
