I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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