Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
