i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
