where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
