at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
