one might say we're banned from that church
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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