Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
