I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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