I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
