you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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