Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
