trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
