How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And then my night got REAL pukey
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize