just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
there is glitter all over my balls
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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