today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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