They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
