Your face is a jimmy john
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
