i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
