All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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