I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
