Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
