My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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