so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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