After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
