Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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