Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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