how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
