the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
