Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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