Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
