Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize