My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
