Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
