if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
