Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
