i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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