People in love make me want to vomit
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
