if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
