Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
