Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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