Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
