just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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