i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
