For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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