I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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