you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
