...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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