Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
