we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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