So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
