Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
