I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
