Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
