i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sober January is a disaster.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
