I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
